You know what feels really good? The in-your-face reminder that you aren't crazy. That what you feel may be completely normal for you and your situation. I'm having a day. A day full of feels and questions and wants. A day where I'm trying to taper myself down and breathe. I've had them before. I know that the buzz of unrest will subside. That frantic wanting will wane. The almost audible dropping of sand will dull out. Then another widow walks in the door at work. She just needs a sounding board and she knows I'll understand. Despite our thirty year age difference, somehow I've become someone she looks to and asks what she's supposed to do. How paralyzing. I feel as though I have nothing helpful to offer her. My tips included find a club, join a group, catfish someone, take up naughty knitting. I could offer nothing with a straight face. The only thing I felt I could do was tell her was what I deal with and how I handle it. That was the share she could nod along to. I feel frantic sometimes. I freak out often. I get scared. I, too, have irrational thoughts of what I could do that would get me committed. My root today might be the impending anniversaries. Baby Caleb's birthday & wedding anniversary, all in a matter of days. I don't want a crutch, but maybe I should acknowledge that they exist and that they affect me. I really don't want a crutch...
A wife, a mom, a widow, a librarian, a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend, a teacher, a God-follower, a coach, a snarky huss, a lover, a confused party, a favorite, a decisive chick, a real person, a hated person;). These thoughts won't be pretty and I will contradict myself a lot, but they are my thoughts, in the moment, in this life.