half.

And then it hits me that I am left with half of the family that I had 3 years ago today.  3 years ago today I was expecting my 3rd child and likely running my husband to and from work so that he could get a day in.  Not ideal, but still four people that counted on me.  Today, I sit with two.  Two wonderful, fun, vibrant, loving, hilarious, creative, faithful, trusting, honest, joyful, beautiful, perfectly healthy children.  Who count on me and love me.  I am so thankful and so broken all at once.  My son and I speak of the loss all the time.  He can't seem to get enough of discussing it.  The ins, outs, upside downs... they're all talked about.  He follows it up with, "Please don't cry, Momma."  He's not emotional about it often.  It just is fact.  I guess I'm happy that he's not in tears all the time, but how can I make his daddy as real to him as he is to me?  How can I make him understand how much his daddy loved him and prayed for him and wanted him.  How much Aaron wanted to be his daddy.  My baby girl too.  I can't imagine the pain she must feel and she's so completely quiet about it.  I just think over and over how this is going to be an event that is a constant part of their story.  It can't be the broken arm that you forgot you had because it heals.  I guess, deep down, I don't want it to be.  This broken moment stemmed from listening to David Crowder Band's "How He Loves".  God loves us.  LOVES us.  Sent a Son to die for us.  I believe that.  I believe this separation we're experiencing right now from my other half and that baby is temporary.  It's just a very real moment of my Father, up close and personal, seemingly taking something before He should.  Isn't that just like a small child, blaming the parent for doing something "horrible" when the child has no vision of the big picture?  
"So here I am, what's left of me, where Glory meets my suffering.  I'm alive, even though a part of me has died.  Take my heart and bring it back to life.  I fall into your arms open wide.  The hurt and the Healer collide." Mercy Me