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10/2/2013

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I'm not good at this.  There are so many things that I'm supposed to be good at now.  I'm not.  I think about my Aaron all the time.  I can't begin to explain the strange feeling that I have.  I know that I know that he's fine.  I know that I'll see him again.  And, I guess somewhere, somehow I know that he's not with me now... but I don't actually believe that he's gone.  Does that make sense?  I don't know how else to explain it.  He's too real to not be here.  That's the closest I can come. 
I continued the move today by sorting books.  I came across a number that were about "Daddy loves me."  I sat with such confusion over how to handle those.  My kids need to know that Daddy loves them.  I feel like that's my duty to keep in front of them.  I have a duty and it seems some people in my children's circle don't feel like they share.  That's another battle.  He is so real and tangible to me that I feel like I must pass this along to our children.  I have to keep him here.  
I still relive those last days, moments, months... I can't escape them.  It is all I can do to keep them out of my mind so that I don't have to feel that pain again.  Things hurt badly enough, but I have to keep those memories of the unimaginable loss at bay so that I don't completely lose it.  I'm not positive that's the right decision, but it's all I can handle.  Part of me is completely cool with keeping this portion of me locked away.  I have a husband in Heaven who loves me with all that he is.  He is wonderful, faithful, funny, kind, loving, a hard worker, resourceful, thoughtful, aggravating, obsessive, inventive, smart, etc.  He loved(S) me.  We share one flesh.  I'm getting that now.  Like really getting it.  I remember our honeymoon flight, realizing that oneness we shared that hadn't existed before.  I suddenly depended on him and was with him for life in all of this.  I remember those moments at his bedside after a diagnosis, knowing this was me too.  And I feel it now.  I don't want to wish away this for that, but I'm all for a rapture.  My son asks me regularly to not let anything happen to me.  It tears me up.  God, protect me. Protect us.  I plead the blood of Jesus over all of us, our household, our nation.  Help, Lord. 
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    Shannon

    A wife, a mom, a widow, a librarian, a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend, a teacher, a God-follower, a coach, a snarky huss, a lover, a confused party, a favorite, a decisive chick, a real person, a hated person;).  These thoughts won't be pretty and I will contradict myself a lot, but they are my thoughts, in the moment, in this life.

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