So, tonight I made admissions and cried {in a very classy manner} to my dear friend. I admitted to her the things that I hated to even say out loud, though I know they are true. This is one of those confessions that I'd likely deny if questioned about it. The one I'd like to be untrue with every fiber of my being. Here goes. The minute I became a widow... take that back, the minute I thought about even being a widow was the minute I became less capable as a person. See, even that's a lie. I'm trying to make it sound better than it is, though that sentence is true too. The word I really had to say was parent. It shames me.
I sat on my lovely friend's couch and admitted that participating in any "family" themed event became sickening to me the minute I didn't have my husband with me. That doesn't mean I don't still do it. It doesn't mean I don't put on a brave face and get it done. It doesn't even mean that my children {or the outside world} know... It simply means that I know. I know who I was pre-tragedy and I know who I am now. And it breaks my heart. I also know that simply having another adult alongside me, partner style, has made me more capable. It brings some joy back. It makes me not dread the "family" events. I want that, but I also hate that I'm not so complete in myself that I kinda need it. That's a head-shaker too. What's wrong with that calling? I'm no feminist. My original plan for my life included a husband and children and a house and life. A piece got swiped from that equation and now I feel a little busted up. It's not like I haven't made the best of things. I'm still giving my children an amazing childhood. I'm still smothering them with love and hugs. I'm still fairly awesome. I guess I just know what I could be and that hurts.
My prayer tonight was for God to be enough for me and for me to let Him do that. For me to seek Him and lean on Him in such a way that He had the opportunity to work in my life and bring fulfillment. And, though I have peace with what things look like now, I have to admit that I am still so very upset that my first plan got botched. I'm thankful for where I'm at, but {in my honest moments} I have to admit that I'm upset that there is even a void. I want family and I want stability. I don't want to be in a figuring-it-out phase. I want chosen. I want my children to have a father. I want that come home from work hug. I want the figuring it out and the "hey, your mom invited us for dinner"s, and the sharing coffee, and the evening couch sitting. I just want all that again. And maybe I'm wrong; maybe that wouldn't bring back all my capabilities. Maybe I've concocted sugar-coated dreams. But maybe I'm right.
I sat on my lovely friend's couch and admitted that participating in any "family" themed event became sickening to me the minute I didn't have my husband with me. That doesn't mean I don't still do it. It doesn't mean I don't put on a brave face and get it done. It doesn't even mean that my children {or the outside world} know... It simply means that I know. I know who I was pre-tragedy and I know who I am now. And it breaks my heart. I also know that simply having another adult alongside me, partner style, has made me more capable. It brings some joy back. It makes me not dread the "family" events. I want that, but I also hate that I'm not so complete in myself that I kinda need it. That's a head-shaker too. What's wrong with that calling? I'm no feminist. My original plan for my life included a husband and children and a house and life. A piece got swiped from that equation and now I feel a little busted up. It's not like I haven't made the best of things. I'm still giving my children an amazing childhood. I'm still smothering them with love and hugs. I'm still fairly awesome. I guess I just know what I could be and that hurts.
My prayer tonight was for God to be enough for me and for me to let Him do that. For me to seek Him and lean on Him in such a way that He had the opportunity to work in my life and bring fulfillment. And, though I have peace with what things look like now, I have to admit that I am still so very upset that my first plan got botched. I'm thankful for where I'm at, but {in my honest moments} I have to admit that I'm upset that there is even a void. I want family and I want stability. I don't want to be in a figuring-it-out phase. I want chosen. I want my children to have a father. I want that come home from work hug. I want the figuring it out and the "hey, your mom invited us for dinner"s, and the sharing coffee, and the evening couch sitting. I just want all that again. And maybe I'm wrong; maybe that wouldn't bring back all my capabilities. Maybe I've concocted sugar-coated dreams. But maybe I'm right.
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