My hubs and I made a promise to each other in our early days of dating that we would share what we were thinking, when we were thinking it. I kinda love rules {minus the "kinda"}. I love clear guidelines. I love predictability. Norms. It's no surprise to me how I got here. My reaction to a cancer diagnosis was to nail down everything that I could control. Diet. Schedules. Shopping. Organization. Etc... Cancer changes you. You can't see it. You don't know if what you're doing is helping. You don't know if it's worth it. All I knew was that my days were suddenly so precious. If I could only not think about it. If I could focus on what my hands touched then I didn't have the mental space to ponder what was coming.
Not everyone is a freak like me, but I have always done a lot of mental math when it comes to age. "Half my life ago I was here," "If this is the halfway point of my life, I'll see 78," "If I live to be 100, I'm 40% done." That kind of thing. Aaron never would've thought when he was 16 that life was half lived. I never dreamed when we had our first baby that we'd only have seven more years. I never would've thought that was true. These thoughts were just a thing I did, now they're a constant.
Today, my husband is picking up my baby for me because I'm stuck at work and I'm blowing his phone up with the types of messages I know he doesn't read {the long ones} because I'm so overcome by this chore. I'm so blessed with a flexible life. I was completely overcome with how blessed I am that I can lean on him some. Aaron was an incredible husband. He carried me. We worked together. He was my helper, and I was his. Even in his sickness, he did his absolute best. My parents have been my helpers. They show up when I can and when I can't. They run kids. They keep them overnight. They make it possible for me to have a life. Brandon is getting there too. His job doesn't allow him the mental space to be at my beck and call, but today he's helping me. I was so overwhelmed by how good it feels to sigh and know that he's helping me. He's getting our kid. He's being Dad today. My kids needed that. I needed that.
People can do this solo. They can. But, if they're anything like me, they might've never wanted to.
I don't feel the need to remind people how long I was a single mom. I had Aaron for three years after sickness came, but I didn't always have him. He wasn't always capable. In many ways, I became a single mom in 2011. I started experiencing it in 2009, but we were easily into 2012 before it was all me. I'm not mad about it. I'm not trashing Aaron. He did his BEST. He really did. I hate that there were days that I had to choose between caring for my children and caring for my husband. These were realities though. I was a full on single mom from 2012 to 2018. I now have a partner to share some responsibilities with and I'm grateful.
You know the things that we just think life will bring us? That's been a conversation in our house recently. What did you just expect life to have for you? What did you chase? Education? Career? Travel? A great apartment? Partying? Family? Friends?
Mine was family. I got the education. I got a job, but what I was doing was always secondary. I wanted a family. I got a family. I got the great husband, the dog, the house, the cute kids... it all looked great. It died. I mourned. I put one foot in front of the other. I put on a face for my kids. I built a house. I held down a job. I spent years in a healing, depressive state, constantly sleeping when the kids couldn't see my funk. I made myself keep talking to humans. I met a couple weirdos. I met the ultimate weirdo. A weirdo from my past. A weirdo who literally laid all his cards on the table and pursued me. I weirdo who told me he loved me after a month. A weirdo that I had 100 reasons to say no to, but my soul said yes.
He came after me.
I'm so thankful that I can lean today.
Not everyone is a freak like me, but I have always done a lot of mental math when it comes to age. "Half my life ago I was here," "If this is the halfway point of my life, I'll see 78," "If I live to be 100, I'm 40% done." That kind of thing. Aaron never would've thought when he was 16 that life was half lived. I never dreamed when we had our first baby that we'd only have seven more years. I never would've thought that was true. These thoughts were just a thing I did, now they're a constant.
Today, my husband is picking up my baby for me because I'm stuck at work and I'm blowing his phone up with the types of messages I know he doesn't read {the long ones} because I'm so overcome by this chore. I'm so blessed with a flexible life. I was completely overcome with how blessed I am that I can lean on him some. Aaron was an incredible husband. He carried me. We worked together. He was my helper, and I was his. Even in his sickness, he did his absolute best. My parents have been my helpers. They show up when I can and when I can't. They run kids. They keep them overnight. They make it possible for me to have a life. Brandon is getting there too. His job doesn't allow him the mental space to be at my beck and call, but today he's helping me. I was so overwhelmed by how good it feels to sigh and know that he's helping me. He's getting our kid. He's being Dad today. My kids needed that. I needed that.
People can do this solo. They can. But, if they're anything like me, they might've never wanted to.
I don't feel the need to remind people how long I was a single mom. I had Aaron for three years after sickness came, but I didn't always have him. He wasn't always capable. In many ways, I became a single mom in 2011. I started experiencing it in 2009, but we were easily into 2012 before it was all me. I'm not mad about it. I'm not trashing Aaron. He did his BEST. He really did. I hate that there were days that I had to choose between caring for my children and caring for my husband. These were realities though. I was a full on single mom from 2012 to 2018. I now have a partner to share some responsibilities with and I'm grateful.
You know the things that we just think life will bring us? That's been a conversation in our house recently. What did you just expect life to have for you? What did you chase? Education? Career? Travel? A great apartment? Partying? Family? Friends?
Mine was family. I got the education. I got a job, but what I was doing was always secondary. I wanted a family. I got a family. I got the great husband, the dog, the house, the cute kids... it all looked great. It died. I mourned. I put one foot in front of the other. I put on a face for my kids. I built a house. I held down a job. I spent years in a healing, depressive state, constantly sleeping when the kids couldn't see my funk. I made myself keep talking to humans. I met a couple weirdos. I met the ultimate weirdo. A weirdo from my past. A weirdo who literally laid all his cards on the table and pursued me. I weirdo who told me he loved me after a month. A weirdo that I had 100 reasons to say no to, but my soul said yes.
He came after me.
I'm so thankful that I can lean today.
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