You know what feels really good? The in-your-face reminder that you aren't crazy. That what you feel may be completely normal for you and your situation. I'm having a day. A day full of feels and questions and wants. A day where I'm trying to taper myself down and breathe. I've had them before. I know that the buzz of unrest will subside. That frantic wanting will wane. The almost audible dropping of sand will dull out. Then another widow walks in the door at work. She just needs a sounding board and she knows I'll understand. Despite our thirty year age difference, somehow I've become someone she looks to and asks what she's supposed to do. How paralyzing. I feel as though I have nothing helpful to offer her. My tips included find a club, join a group, catfish someone, take up naughty knitting. I could offer nothing with a straight face. The only thing I felt I could do was tell her was what I deal with and how I handle it. That was the share she could nod along to. I feel frantic sometimes. I freak out often. I get scared. I, too, have irrational thoughts of what I could do that would get me committed. My root today might be the impending anniversaries. Baby Caleb's birthday & wedding anniversary, all in a matter of days. I don't want a crutch, but maybe I should acknowledge that they exist and that they affect me. I really don't want a crutch...
Safety. Progress. Capitalizing. I'm a week out from having my little people back in my house, out of school for the summer again. Making that summer list. Thinking of the tasks we might want to accomplish. Wanting to make this summer count... again. We all approach these moments differently and my style is not necessarily "right", but it's all I've got. Once again, I'm going to have to jump in feet first.
It reminds me of my lifeguarding days. For safety, you'd enter water feet first and feel it out. We're going to add a jump though too. I tend to want to look around, test the circumstances, find the peace in the matter, then decide and jump in. I sense a change might be necessary. My mom commented a couple weeks ago that she could see the flight in my eyes again. That's undeniable. I live under self-imposed, bound wings. I feel a great sense of duty to keep things as stable as possible for my littles and have suppressed my want to bolt as best I can. I can feel the pull though and sense that I won't be comfortable with business as usual for much longer. That's not to say that I won't be able to taper that down and refocus, but it's a struggle today as my feet want to fly. Add to that the desire to find me again and we've got a serious case of ChainShannonDownIsm. True story. I'm feeling a little like the caged bird. I hadn't read that poem until today and it brought on the insta-tears. The "Yes, I get that." I'm not clipped, I'm not free. I've chosen these pieces that I feel a little caged by currently and I believe they are the best things for my little people. I may be turning a corner though and need to start thinking on what's going to be best for me. Let's face it, a happy momma is a better momma. I feel a chiseling coming. I wonder if it will be followed by a jump.
A wife, a mom, a widow, a librarian, a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend, a teacher, a God-follower, a coach, a snarky huss, a lover, a confused party, a favorite, a decisive chick, a real person, a hated person;). These thoughts won't be pretty and I will contradict myself a lot, but they are my thoughts, in the moment, in this life.