Finding purpose. Finding focus. Finding a path. Defining who you are now. How has what you've walked through changed you? What do you do with it?
We are all the sum of our experiences and {hopefully} the things that touch our lives will work to give us perspective and empathy. Maybe help us to be better people and learn to show love faster.
I know in my case, I'm over two years out from my biggest tragedy and I don't know that I can say a lot has changed. Yes, I've made enormous changes as far as what you can see from the outside, but I'm still lost. Rudderless. Void of direction. You know how growing up a common discussion was where you might be in five years? I can't tell you that anymore. The whole process of planning has been destroyed for me by the experience of having my rug pulled out from under me. All those plans I had left... walked out in a moment that haunts me daily. I have this unrelenting urge to run and to live and to see and to embrace as much as I can. To make the moments count. But, I'm not sure that my actions line up with that urge. I spend entirely too many days just going through the motions still. I write to-do lists, but I just don't have the energy to put effort into tasks that don't mean much. Is that laziness or simply the byproduct of knowing that the task really isn't going to feed my soul? {We're talking tasks like sorting through boxes from the move so that I can find stuff-- this is an adult task. Seriously, just get it done.} I'm sure I sound like a loon when I tell people things like, "I don't like money to be the deciding factor in my decisions." {This is an adult thought. Come on. It's reality. Grow up, S. Doesn't matter. I don't like it. Money isn't important anymore; just a necessary player in the game of life.}
I had this nightmare a couple nights ago that won't leave me. It wasn't scary in the classic nightmare sense, but it chilled me to the bone. In it, Aaron was there {as he is many of my dreams-- that's a post unto itself}. In the dream, he was walking away from me. It was like he was alive and decided that separate lives would be better for both of us. No anger, just a separation. I was desperate to get to him and change his mind. Convince him otherwise. That same "togetherness" was between us. I knew his soul in the dream and I knew he knew mine. The hurt, the pain... and knowing that if I could just get to him and look in his eyes, it would all be back to normal. I was haunted all day. To the point that I was, for the first time since childhood, afraid to go back to sleep for fear that I'd be back in that place. I remember telling my sweet friend after the worst days of my life that I wasn't ready for our story to be over. This dream felt so much like it was. I just can't handle that. One of the most touching cards I received after Aaron's departure was from an acquaintance that must have seen Aaron and I out on occasion. She wrote of the "connectedness" that she saw between the two of us. I know his soul. I still feel it, but, in spite of that, I'm so afraid that I'll regret not moving forward with my life and walking on. I believe that I'll know what to do when it's time though. But now what and how much time can I burn in the middle? Desperate for Heaven.
We are all the sum of our experiences and {hopefully} the things that touch our lives will work to give us perspective and empathy. Maybe help us to be better people and learn to show love faster.
I know in my case, I'm over two years out from my biggest tragedy and I don't know that I can say a lot has changed. Yes, I've made enormous changes as far as what you can see from the outside, but I'm still lost. Rudderless. Void of direction. You know how growing up a common discussion was where you might be in five years? I can't tell you that anymore. The whole process of planning has been destroyed for me by the experience of having my rug pulled out from under me. All those plans I had left... walked out in a moment that haunts me daily. I have this unrelenting urge to run and to live and to see and to embrace as much as I can. To make the moments count. But, I'm not sure that my actions line up with that urge. I spend entirely too many days just going through the motions still. I write to-do lists, but I just don't have the energy to put effort into tasks that don't mean much. Is that laziness or simply the byproduct of knowing that the task really isn't going to feed my soul? {We're talking tasks like sorting through boxes from the move so that I can find stuff-- this is an adult task. Seriously, just get it done.} I'm sure I sound like a loon when I tell people things like, "I don't like money to be the deciding factor in my decisions." {This is an adult thought. Come on. It's reality. Grow up, S. Doesn't matter. I don't like it. Money isn't important anymore; just a necessary player in the game of life.}
I had this nightmare a couple nights ago that won't leave me. It wasn't scary in the classic nightmare sense, but it chilled me to the bone. In it, Aaron was there {as he is many of my dreams-- that's a post unto itself}. In the dream, he was walking away from me. It was like he was alive and decided that separate lives would be better for both of us. No anger, just a separation. I was desperate to get to him and change his mind. Convince him otherwise. That same "togetherness" was between us. I knew his soul in the dream and I knew he knew mine. The hurt, the pain... and knowing that if I could just get to him and look in his eyes, it would all be back to normal. I was haunted all day. To the point that I was, for the first time since childhood, afraid to go back to sleep for fear that I'd be back in that place. I remember telling my sweet friend after the worst days of my life that I wasn't ready for our story to be over. This dream felt so much like it was. I just can't handle that. One of the most touching cards I received after Aaron's departure was from an acquaintance that must have seen Aaron and I out on occasion. She wrote of the "connectedness" that she saw between the two of us. I know his soul. I still feel it, but, in spite of that, I'm so afraid that I'll regret not moving forward with my life and walking on. I believe that I'll know what to do when it's time though. But now what and how much time can I burn in the middle? Desperate for Heaven.
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