I'm an immature hussy. I wholeheartedly believe that I'm one giant contradiction after another. I'm a giant hussy one day, digging my heels in and getting hung up on this principle or that and I'm a giving, wonderful, thoughtful, mature adult the next. My poor children {I think with a wicked giggle because, no, they aren't poor; I'm truthfully displaying the whole range of being a human for them single-handedly!}. Kids are back in school and I've got all these opportunities again to catch up with people, get some things done during the day, be more productive, blah, blah, blah. I'm fielding so many "how are YOU?" questions from well-meaning adults in my life. It's sweet. I answer them in the worst way possible. Like this one. I get an call on my cell from my high school best friend {or so my caller ID says}. That inquiry on me is the opening line. I respond, "Do you want the real answer or the 'pretty' one?," to which she says, "This isn't Leann; this is her mom." Oops! Okay, pretty answer it is. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to. My thermometer is fairly easy to read. Am I behaving erratically? Am I shopping like a crazy person? Am I running around the country at every opportunity? Yes, yes, and yes. I'm likely working through some stuff.
One thing I'm picking up on these weeks though is some ridiculous clarity about who I am and giving myself acceptance. We've all seen those quotes about people coming into their own in their 30s. I didn't really doubt it, but it's wild to experience and recognize. Wild. All of a sudden I feel this grace to just be who I am and feel what I feel and do what I want. To admit the childish wants and go ahead and act on them. It's fairly fabulous. That's not to say that I don't still want to make my parents proud or do the "right" thing or set the example because I do, but I suddenly feel such personal grace to simply be and not make excuses for it. Sigh. It's lovely. I'm not sure I can even do it justice in the explanation. The complete clarity and peace that comes with recognizing what I want combined with the knowledge of how it affects others/what they might think then the very clean shifting back to me again without the turmoil of making someone else happy.
And then the blasted widow chime in, my cousin's wife and I became widows within months of each other. Both Christy and I had this ridiculous moment where we realized we suddenly had a free pass of sorts to say/feel/think/do just about whatever we wanted for the moment {we don't know how long that lasts}. And then a friend and mother of my daughter's classmate followed suit within a couple years and she was sharing with me her thoughts on doing the "right" thing to which I told her about the free pass. I'd forgotten about it, but she reminded me recently and I just felt a rush of "YES!" Those things you say to people in passing, you don't know what's going to stick, what's going to resonate. You don't know exactly what gift you're giving to someone. It would seem as though I gave her the gift of grace that she so deserved in that moment. And it would seem now that what Christy and I were thrust into gave us the gift of self-grace that we might've come into naturally in a matter of years anyway. SELF-Grace. You are where you are. There are no accidents. There are certainly decisions and cause and effect, but work with what you have. Feel what you feel. Find you and cling to it. Don't be a self-centered ***, but stay true to you. Give what you can. Help when you can. Work in your gifting. Stretch yourself. Allow yourself to slip a bit. Stretch, pull, work, share, open up, feel it all, feel it all {yes, that deserves two}, take actions that you'll be happy with a year or more down the line. Don't operate from a self-center, but make sure that your actions align and resonate with who you were created to be. And, every now and then, do something a little stupid.
One thing I'm picking up on these weeks though is some ridiculous clarity about who I am and giving myself acceptance. We've all seen those quotes about people coming into their own in their 30s. I didn't really doubt it, but it's wild to experience and recognize. Wild. All of a sudden I feel this grace to just be who I am and feel what I feel and do what I want. To admit the childish wants and go ahead and act on them. It's fairly fabulous. That's not to say that I don't still want to make my parents proud or do the "right" thing or set the example because I do, but I suddenly feel such personal grace to simply be and not make excuses for it. Sigh. It's lovely. I'm not sure I can even do it justice in the explanation. The complete clarity and peace that comes with recognizing what I want combined with the knowledge of how it affects others/what they might think then the very clean shifting back to me again without the turmoil of making someone else happy.
And then the blasted widow chime in, my cousin's wife and I became widows within months of each other. Both Christy and I had this ridiculous moment where we realized we suddenly had a free pass of sorts to say/feel/think/do just about whatever we wanted for the moment {we don't know how long that lasts}. And then a friend and mother of my daughter's classmate followed suit within a couple years and she was sharing with me her thoughts on doing the "right" thing to which I told her about the free pass. I'd forgotten about it, but she reminded me recently and I just felt a rush of "YES!" Those things you say to people in passing, you don't know what's going to stick, what's going to resonate. You don't know exactly what gift you're giving to someone. It would seem as though I gave her the gift of grace that she so deserved in that moment. And it would seem now that what Christy and I were thrust into gave us the gift of self-grace that we might've come into naturally in a matter of years anyway. SELF-Grace. You are where you are. There are no accidents. There are certainly decisions and cause and effect, but work with what you have. Feel what you feel. Find you and cling to it. Don't be a self-centered ***, but stay true to you. Give what you can. Help when you can. Work in your gifting. Stretch yourself. Allow yourself to slip a bit. Stretch, pull, work, share, open up, feel it all, feel it all {yes, that deserves two}, take actions that you'll be happy with a year or more down the line. Don't operate from a self-center, but make sure that your actions align and resonate with who you were created to be. And, every now and then, do something a little stupid.
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