control.

What do you control? Husband tells me all the time how amazed he is by the way that I subtly control all the pieces around me.  That I can juggle so many things and still know where they all are and keep everything in order.  He's so silly.  I love how he loves me.  I have so little control and I hate sharing.  I'm the worst.  I can be PC and kind enough, but I lose my mind, just like everyone else.  
Aidan is my challenge baby.  His self-control is lacking.  He might've gotten that from his momma. 
Contol.  I don't want to share.  I don't want outside factors.  It's all so hard.  I chose this, but I didn't choose this.  I had a plan.  One would think I'd get used to the fact that I'm on a new path... Evidently, I ignore realities also.  
Control.  Even knowing that control will be seized back at any given moment, without notice, doesn't help me accept the lack of control I have.
The other piece of this is that I can't control what people think about me.  By and large, it doesn't matter.  Usually, I don't care.  I share kids now though.  I do care how I'm perceived.  I do want to be a good momma for them. I don't want to replace their mom, but I don't want to do things that will cause them to feel even more fractured in their family life.  Control.  I only have so much.