hart on my sleeve
Find me...
  • Home
  • Musings
  • looking up
  • Blog

Caleb.

5/29/2013

0 Comments

 
Today's the day.  My baby would be 2.  My faith baby.  My "let's get on with life" baby.  My "let's take a step and trust God" baby.  Our New Beginning.  
There is so much to say about Caleb.  I can't say it.  I'm not in a frame of mind for it today.  Today I'm just hurt and sad and blessed... Seeing all the Acts of Random Kindness my friends and family are doing and how touched people are by the selflessness, that's awesome.  Being without my Caleb is horrible.  Being without my Aaron too is too much. 
0 Comments

break.

5/7/2013

0 Comments

 
You ever just want to break?  Just let go and let it happen and shatter and have it over with...  Today's a day like that for me.  I seriously just want to break and let it be done and over with.  I don't have patience for all these emotions.  I don't have it in me anymore.  I may be physically capable of handling it, but I'm done.  Done.  At least for today.  The culmination of too many things that aren't as they should be is too much for me to stand under.  It just shouldn't be this hard.  And it shouldn't be this way.  And I shouldn't be alone in it.  It's a lonely, lonely, bittersweet (minus the sweet), nasty, horrible day.  
My house has arrived.  My house.  That I will live in and feel prisoner in at times.  My house that my Aaron and I had so many plans for.  A faith house.  A house that he lamented losing when we rushed to the hospital last March.  "There goes the house."  So many times I have questioned if this is the right move or not.  And, in the end, what it comes down to is that it was time to make a move and this made the most sense.  It provides stability to my kids (and me), it's what their daddy talked and talked to them about.  It has Aaron and my hands all over it.  It's a culmination.  It's a project that I felt God shut down over and over again and now He's letting it go through.  Lord, give me patience.  
And then watching my kids play ball tonight and seeing all the other dads helping and knowing how involved Aaron would be (and was even last year).   Seeing leaves on trees and realizing that he's not seeing them this year.  ... and resting in the knowledge that he's got it so much better than I do.  I believe that.  It still hurts like hell though.  
Learning that my new nephew will be named after Aaron... I realize that is a way to honor him, but it tears at me.  Probably only because it's only happening because he's gone, but still.  
It's just been too much and all this hurt is probably just a long time coming.  I want to numb it.  So many of my prayers any more are, "You have to fix this, God."  That's as far as I can get.  That's the most I can get out.  I know that it is enough and it is okay, but I want to know that He's going to fix.  I want to KNOW that He's going to be my All in All.  I'm still so unsteady in that right now.  Sometimes the breaking sounds like a welcome reprieve.  
0 Comments

    Shannon

    A wife, a mom, a widow, a librarian, a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend, a teacher, a God-follower, a coach, a snarky huss, a lover, a confused party, a favorite, a decisive chick, a real person, a hated person;).  These thoughts won't be pretty and I will contradict myself a lot, but they are my thoughts, in the moment, in this life.

    Archives

    June 2020
    April 2020
    November 2019
    January 2019
    November 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    October 2017
    September 2017
    March 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    September 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    January 2015
    August 2014
    May 2014
    October 2013
    September 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.