A lot of important days have passed. Aaron's first absent birthday. People can say all the positive stuff they want to about birthdays in Heaven and better off there and focus on the good times... I get it. I know it's all true. You know what? It may be. If it isn't YOUR loved one we're talking about. I may have even said that stuff. I can even acknowledge that those statements might be comforting to some. I don't find them comforting. I agree with each of them. I don't need them rubbed in my face. I don't need to hear others looking on the bright side. I don't need to hear encouragement to do it myself. Honestly, the best comments have been those that validate what I feel. Just let it exist. Pull it out in the middle and look at it OR kick it under the rug. Yeah, maybe I'd rather just ignore it all. Yes, if we're really going to play honest-time, I'd rather ignore it. If I ignore it, it might go away and time will pass and then this horrible nightmare that we're calling "reality" might just pass. The birthday was horrible. Just horrible. To not buy gifts, no cake, no week of fun... We did go to Red Lobster and the kids got lobster in honor of Aaron, but it was so sad. He would've dug it. What really bites is that we probably wouldn't have wanted to spend the money on lobster for kids that couldn't really enjoy it if he'd been here. Silly, isn't it?
In Aaron's honor, we also continued the yearly tradition and headed to St. Elmo's in Indy for Devour Downtown. Great company, lovely room, amazing meal, empty, empty, empty. I could feel him there, hear him speak, see his smile, touch his hand. I'm beginning to see how people can go crazy. It's all so real. I had my first Aaron dream after that night. He was mad at me about some plans I've made. Is it funny that I feel a healthy rebellion in doing things I know he wouldn't be happy about right now? Not horrible things, just things he wouldn't be really supportive of. Maybe it's just to feel something. I don't want to hurt my kids in this process though. Decisions must be reached and I don't feel entirely competent to make them. Too much is still up in the air.
To get back to my point: days. Don't waste them. Aaron and I had a LOT of really, really good days. Even in the midst of it. Good days. Happy days. Full days. We liked each other. We let the other BE who God designed us to be. It wasn't perfect, but it was beautiful. Don't waste your days. I recognize that an uneventful day IS a good one. We didn't have enough. How did I have 10 years of good and somehow the 3 years of rough ones are the ones that stand out? Come on, memory. 10 years of good. 10 years of good. 10 years of good...
In Aaron's honor, we also continued the yearly tradition and headed to St. Elmo's in Indy for Devour Downtown. Great company, lovely room, amazing meal, empty, empty, empty. I could feel him there, hear him speak, see his smile, touch his hand. I'm beginning to see how people can go crazy. It's all so real. I had my first Aaron dream after that night. He was mad at me about some plans I've made. Is it funny that I feel a healthy rebellion in doing things I know he wouldn't be happy about right now? Not horrible things, just things he wouldn't be really supportive of. Maybe it's just to feel something. I don't want to hurt my kids in this process though. Decisions must be reached and I don't feel entirely competent to make them. Too much is still up in the air.
To get back to my point: days. Don't waste them. Aaron and I had a LOT of really, really good days. Even in the midst of it. Good days. Happy days. Full days. We liked each other. We let the other BE who God designed us to be. It wasn't perfect, but it was beautiful. Don't waste your days. I recognize that an uneventful day IS a good one. We didn't have enough. How did I have 10 years of good and somehow the 3 years of rough ones are the ones that stand out? Come on, memory. 10 years of good. 10 years of good. 10 years of good...
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