See, it's my life. And I feel a tremendous amount of weight to do it right. To not screw up my children. To not press pause on me because I know how quickly normal can disappear. To not make rash decisions, but to squeeze the day. I feel all of those things and I'm so sad right now because I'm not sure that the judgement-free support is intact at the moment. There's the bottom line truth. I have written on it before. The moment I became a widow, I got a momentary free pass. Upside. What I'm hoping/wondering right now is if that free pass wasn't really momentary. I don't want the judgement. I know me. I don't act rashly. I don't make decisions without thoughtful consideration. I act quickly, but I don't decide quickly. I operate in wisdom. That doesn't mean that I don't make mistakes, but trust me. Trust me. My life is not your life. My decisions are ones I have to live with.
Getting off the widow track, lunch with a lovely friend yesterday drove all these points home. This lovely friend woke up and realized that she had lovingly invited her family to take part in her life. It was beautiful. Living together, vacationing together, helping each other.... it felt so familiar. Then the shoe fell and she realized that she may have invited them into too many decisions. Too many pieces. What was actually hers? I can't comprehend the painful separation that had to take place to disentangle from the place where too many pieces were connected... into the marriage, into the properties, into the children, into the schedule. I, thankfully, got to look at this and seek out what I need to do differently. Who do I consult? Who gets a say? Where do I draw the lines and begin standing on my own?
I am thankful. Let that be clear in all of this. I couldn't do the things I do without the tremendous help that I am given. My children couldn't lead the full, active lives that they do without the help I'm given. I am thankful and blessed. My thoughts are limited to the singular piece: where do I begin and the support beams function as support alone?