How is it possible to feel complete clarity and mass confusion all at the same time? I have been mentally penning my thoughts for several weeks. My insides are in knots, tears are flowing freely in a way they hadn't for years... feelings I hoped never to feel again. I have identified a new part of myself post-loss and been able to verbalize it and disclose it with a touch of shame. I can't stand change. It paralyzes me. A rush of anxiety and fear hits me with such force that my gut want to hide, run, shut-down is all but impossible to ignore. The number of times I've thought in the last couple weeks that I'm probably a candidate for anti-depressants is shocking to me. Even in all the sadness, I hadn't turned to those... hand me some real life again though and I'm ready for the pill. A little corner of my brain shouts therein lies my answer.
I turned a corner. I want family again. I'm so so tired of feeling lonely. I don't want to carry it all. I want to feel like someone is on my team, taking care of me, watching out for me. Another annoying corner of my brain shouts, "Patience!" And the knowing that no partner is going to be Aaron. Making comparisons hasn't been a challenge for me until I felt uncertain, then they are something to suppress.
I'm not sure that all I'm going through right now applies to the masses post loss. The overwhelming desire to have back what I've lost. The absolute need to feel cocooned (also incredibly scary because those cocooning you can leave). This irrational, crippling, franticness that settles in the soul when you feel the sand shifting underfoot. The desire to hide yourself away to keep yourself from anymore pain. Those moments where you wonder if it's all in your head...
I've been encouraging someone I love dearly to identify what you want. It seems to annoy the individual. Seriously though. We all only have so much time here. What do you want? How do your priorities rank? Do your actions support your priorities and move you toward your end goals? There is this clarity that I have, I may have always had it. Getting to the root want; keeping advice simple; pinpointing a path... none of these items have ever been challenging for me. I refuse to tell people what they want though. I can't assume to know what that is. Our secret wants, what's important to us... you don't have to observe people for long to see what that is. The irritation is in watching people choose wrong. I'm certain I've written on this before. Choose life. I want to scream it, it bothers me so. It's a childish response in some ways. We have needs to fill that often get in the way. It hurts me though to watch it over and over.
And then me. I don't want this to be some vent station of my personal problems so I'll keep it simple. I'm 3 years and 5 months post loss. I'm 4 years post "it's hopeless" (their words, not mine). I'm 5 years post realizing I'd have to be father and mother, basically partnerless. I'm so tired. I want chosen. I want cocooned. I want family back. I want some level of safety and my old normal. I want love to surround me. I want chosen.
I turned a corner. I want family again. I'm so so tired of feeling lonely. I don't want to carry it all. I want to feel like someone is on my team, taking care of me, watching out for me. Another annoying corner of my brain shouts, "Patience!" And the knowing that no partner is going to be Aaron. Making comparisons hasn't been a challenge for me until I felt uncertain, then they are something to suppress.
I'm not sure that all I'm going through right now applies to the masses post loss. The overwhelming desire to have back what I've lost. The absolute need to feel cocooned (also incredibly scary because those cocooning you can leave). This irrational, crippling, franticness that settles in the soul when you feel the sand shifting underfoot. The desire to hide yourself away to keep yourself from anymore pain. Those moments where you wonder if it's all in your head...
I've been encouraging someone I love dearly to identify what you want. It seems to annoy the individual. Seriously though. We all only have so much time here. What do you want? How do your priorities rank? Do your actions support your priorities and move you toward your end goals? There is this clarity that I have, I may have always had it. Getting to the root want; keeping advice simple; pinpointing a path... none of these items have ever been challenging for me. I refuse to tell people what they want though. I can't assume to know what that is. Our secret wants, what's important to us... you don't have to observe people for long to see what that is. The irritation is in watching people choose wrong. I'm certain I've written on this before. Choose life. I want to scream it, it bothers me so. It's a childish response in some ways. We have needs to fill that often get in the way. It hurts me though to watch it over and over.
And then me. I don't want this to be some vent station of my personal problems so I'll keep it simple. I'm 3 years and 5 months post loss. I'm 4 years post "it's hopeless" (their words, not mine). I'm 5 years post realizing I'd have to be father and mother, basically partnerless. I'm so tired. I want chosen. I want cocooned. I want family back. I want some level of safety and my old normal. I want love to surround me. I want chosen.
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