chapter two

So much has happened and we've kicked the stone down the road again.  I got engaged... on my favorite beach... in my favorite land. :)  My sweet chapter two surprised the ba-jeebies out of me with a  morning proposal in our favorite spot in Maui.  That man totally had me fooled because we had done multiple days in Oahu and I didn't suspect that he had a ring at all.  Truth be told, I had thought before we went that Hawaii might be a perfect opportunity to propose to the love of his life {my words, not his!! :)}, but he wasn't protective of any luggage so I figured it wasn't happening.  Needless to say, I was completely blown away.  The guy did good.  So what if I thought he was kidding at first? So what if I asked him to do it again so I could listen with my guard down instead of trying to spot the joke early?  It was thoughtful and new and oh so perfect.  It took days and days to adapt to the idea that a new life was going to be forged.  The shock that an engagement ring was to my life didn't happen this time like it did when I got engaged before.  The slow, slow mental awakening that we were really going to move forward in a life together definitely took place though.  I think Brandon thought I was nuts because it was like I mentally processed it a bit more each day.  I'm a bit of a dork, apparently.  I guess I might be a freak in that I wait to make sure things are locked in before I assume the deal is done.  We've talked for months about getting engaged.  We've discussed what life will be like together from the get-go.  We've been throwing kids together like siblings for a year.  We've looked at property.  We've done vacations.  We've discussed big purchases and how each of us operate.  Talking about and doing are two different things though and somehow the true realities of what things can be and the real steps that we'd have to take to get there were much more hypothetical than I was sharing outwardly.  I could be wrong, but I think this is me me, not me post loss.  I can see it either way though.  See, when you lose your person, your future, your plans, everything you knew, you start to see the way things can fall apart so much easier.  Where you might've once just made plans and assumed things would be fine and easy, now you {or at least I} see so much more as a "maybe".  There is no real, sure, solid ground.  That's not to say that I don't make plans, but I have that dose of gross reality instead of that euphoria of certainty.  What's so completely sad about it is that most things are going to work out.  Most paths are going to be safe.  Most plans are going to come to completion, but now I almost wait to see instead of banking on the good.  I almost reserve the excitement and the joy until the good is directly in front of me instead of dwelling in that happiness early.  It's like I'm preparing myself for the possibility that the floor will fall out instead of stepping out sure.  Big breath.  I don't want to be that girl.  I'm not sure I can choose to just turn that off.  I wonder if the real of it all will hit me before I'm standing there, prepping to say vows.  Gosh, I hope so because that might feel like it all springs on me at once then.  Everything feels very real and possible and easy when we're together, but I'm definitely straddling two lives right now. Either way, I totally said yes and we're totally planning a beach wedding and usually I'm getting pretty into a book by the second chapter so there's really real hope.